Day 15: Gifts

Day 15: Gifts

Last night, our son had a near 104 degree temperature. I was up most of the night with him. I was constantly trying to cool him off and lower his temperature. There was very little rest. I have so much house work and home work that needs to be done. I am working on this book. The children keep me busy doing things for them. Often times at night, I feel guilty though. For all these things I am doing every day, I am spending little time really being with my children. I am here in the physical sense but they don’t get mom all day to play with or talk to.

God continues to remind me how important the children are. I know they are only small like this for a short time. I don’t want to miss it by being so busy doing things, even things for them, that I forget to enjoy them. They are so funny and energetic. I love to watch them but getting caught up in other things is not uncommon.

Other people and our relationships with them really are gifts from God. Remember Adam in the garden of Eden? What was the big gift that God gave him besides life? Companions! Adam first found companionship in the animals and next in a Eve. Loneliness, is therefore natural. We have been given a gift in all our relationships. I have to ask myself, “How am I treating these precious gifts from God?”

“They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be a blessing.” Psalm 37:26

God, thank you for the gifts You have given me. Help me to notice them and cherish each one. Help me to view myself and the people around me just as important as the items on my to do list.

Day 14: Doing it Alone

Day14: Doing it Alone

Fourteen years ago, I shared a room and a bed with another girl for the summer. It was tough at times but we were doing missions work in the Republic of Georgia so it was the only option (there was only 1 bed). It has been nearly a decade since I last spoke to Jan. We have kept up with each other through today’s social media. Rarely does she post updates but today, God reminded me through her that even though I am a Marine Corps wife, I must still trust God.

Today, Jan’s post read, “I have always had a war going on in my head against this thought of having to do everything on my own ... But God specifically reminded me today that I am not alone ... He has already gone before me and is always with me.”

Many times when my husband is gone, I have to do things on my own. This deployment is especially challenging now that we have children. Before, handling things on my own, was all the same old things I had always done as an adult. Now I handle things not only for me but for our entire family. It is a huge responsibility and the first time I ever felt concern for myself at home when Clif was leaving. Usually my concern has been for his safety and after he leaves just sadness for missing him. This time, I thought, “I am going to be here all alone. I am going to have to take care of our children by myself. Can I do it? Will I lose it?”

At the beginning of the deployment, I volunteered for VBS. Vacation Bible Schools theme this year was, “Trust God.” My 4 year old now goes around singing, “It doesn’t matter who you are, you can trust God”, all the time. I am seeing a theme that God continues to throw out there for this deployment. “Trust me.”

“In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
Isaiah 25:8-10

Heavenly Father, Help me to find the faith I need to trust You. Soemtimes I just want to grab the reins and do things my way. Looking back though, Your way is always so much better.

Group Publishing for the song (Sky theme)

Day 13: 9-11

Day 13

9-11

During 9-11 I was a Flight Attendant for United Airlines. I was based out of Newark where flight 93 came from. That day, I was off. I was however going to Manhatten to volunteer and get my French visa. Both were items that needed to be taken care of in lower Manhatten near the World Trade Center.

My plan was to take the subway from Hoboken to the World Trade Center early in the morning so that I would have extra time in the city after I had taken care of both things. Late the night before, I kept waking up with leg cramps. I was tired when the alarm went off so I went back to sleep and decided to go over a little later in the morning. My phone began to ring an hour or so later. I looked at it. It was my grandmother, then my mother. I decided to call them back because it was unusual for them to call so early and for both to call like that. My mom was frantic asking where I was. I told her I had been asleep but now… She cut me off and told me a prop plane had just hit the world trade center. I sat up straight. What? I assured her I was ok. I grabbed my camera (for a magazine I was freelancing for), woke up my roommate and ran out the door.

We could see the WTC from Bayonne where my crash pad was. I was running down the street to try to catch the train when I heard that the first tower had fallen. I watched in horror from the train as the second tower fell. I heard a scream. It wasn’t until later that I realized it had been me. In an instant a huge building with thousands of people inside was gone. It wasn’t like the version you see on TV, that one is in slow motion compared to what we saw from the train. One moment it was there, the next it wasn’t. Thousands of people dead, the NYC skyline forever changed in a moment.

The days following were not simply sadness but grief for friends and coworkers lost. Our pay was held up because of anthrax scares and we were almost immediately furloughed (laid off). My grief was compounded in that I wasn’t living the way I should’ve as a Christian. I had terrible guilt in the bad example I had been to so many people.

For years there was something that nagged at me about that incident. I couldn’t quit place it. In the back of my mind, I was angry with God for allowing that to happen. Why couldn’t it have been before I was a bad example? How could he allow that to happen, to me, to all the innocents? Then one day God just opened my eyes. I should be thankful for that adversity. It made me who I am. It saved me from my own destructive self. It brought my husband and I together and put me on the path I am on today. In addition, God had saved me from certain death in either the subway or the WTC. I would have been in either one of those places when this happened had it not been for His protection.

“ ‘For I know what I have planned for you.’, says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

God, thank you for Your protection and Your guidance. Please help me and my family to be the people of God you have called us to be. Help us to be open to your guidance.

Day 12: Lonely!

Day 12

Lonely!

In the hours following the birth of my daughter all I remember is the sheer joy and elation at such a beautiful little creature. She was perfect. I was in love with my new baby girl.

In the hours following the birth of my son, all I remember is the tears and grief. He was born with immature lungs and struggled to breath from the moment he was born. My husband and I stared helplessly while the nurses tried various treatments to help him. Ultimately he had to stay in the NICU for several weeks while we waited for his lungs to develop.

It was my husband’s hug and consolation that got me through those first few hours. It was also my husband’s enjoyment and thrill that made the first moments of my daughters life even more enjoyable.

It is difficult when he is away sometimes. Even after 9 years of marriage and 6 deployments, it is difficult. Sometimes I tell myself that I can make it, this is no big deal. After all, we have done this 6 times. The truth is I miss my man today. I miss the man who held me when I cried for our son. I miss the man who held our daughter so triumphantly. I miss the man that I sleep next to, run next to, cook for and ultimately love with my whole heart. The man I have chosen to share my life with.  I miss him today.

Even worse, it will be at least a week before I can tell him this. He is on a field exercise somewhere and I am completely unable to communicate with him in any way. This last week I was only able to talk to him once for 30 minutes. Just about the time I get warmed up to tell him everything, it is time to go.

The way I miss my husband, is the way God misses us when we are far away from Him. He wants us to be encouraged. He wants to hold us when we are sad. It is up to us to make sure that each day, we are in contact with Him. We are to seek Him out and be with Him daily.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

God, thank You for Your love, Your compassion, Your encouragement. Help me to put You in first place in my heart. Help me to make you the king of my day. Please watch over my husband while he is deployed. Help me to be the kind of wife You would have to be for him, even when we are so far apart.

Day 11: Faith & Trust

Day Eleven

Faith & Trust

I applied for a highly competitive job with a well known agency several months ago. It is not that I am eager to leave the home. I love being with our children. It’s just that the military is down sizing and our future is uncertain. In addition, this position is a once in a life time kind of job.

I have gone through a variety of emotions and thoughts over the last few months. One that seems to keep creeping in is the feeling of incompetence on my part. I am qualified on the most basic level for this position. There are others who are even more qualified than I am. Their applications are most likely dotted with a variety of qualifications that include combat time and physics or high level math degrees, none of which do I have. In fact, everyone that I have talked to has said to me that this job  would be perfect for me and I would be perfect for it. I agree, which is why I applied. That however has not stopped that nagging little voice in the back of my mind from telling me that I am so much less qualified than all the other candidates. I have to remind myself that my God is bigger than all that. It is not about qualifications with Him. It is about a person’s heart and where they fit into His plan for this huge world we live in.

I am trusting God on this. I do really want the job. If I don’t get it, I will be a little disappointed. At the same time, I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. I just have to keep moving forward in the way that I believe God to be leading me and He will show me the way.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” – Jeremiah 22:11 (KJV)

God, thank You for directing my path. Help me to continue listening to You and seeking out Your will for my life. Amen.

Day Ten: The Holy Spirit - our Guide

Day Ten 

Disclaimer: I would like to say that I am not in any way a pastor or a saint. The Holy Spirit comes to those who seek Him. I am a sinner and daily I am doing or saying things that just aren't Godly but my heart is sincere and I believe that is why God has allowed me to have some of the experiences that I have - that and so that I can share with you a modern view of what God is doing in this simple girl's heart daily. If I am worthy of God's love and attention then so are you! If you haven't experienced this kind of relationship, I urge you to ask for it. Seek Him out. He will honor a pure heart with good intentions.

The Holy Spirit – our Guide

The Holy Spirit has long been my guide. What I mean by that is that I can often times feel His guidance on certain issues. There have been times when I clearly understood the message but chose to ignore what His direction was for whatever reason. Sometimes I wasn’t convinced that it was Him. Other times it just wasn’t convenient or comfortable.  One such time was when I was on a mission team to Eastern Europe. I was especially close with the Holy Spirit at the time and felt a strong urge not to go to a team meeting of the girls one night. I didn’t listen for whatever reason and that night changed the vibe of our group. I could feel the girls take sides with each other that night. The rest of the summer, there was a divide between people because of things that were said that night. I have often wondered why the Holy Spirit warned me about that that night, when He knew I would not listen.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that God allows some things to happen in our lives, even though He knows we will disobey at the time, so that we can see Him more clearly later. My failure to listen that night has plagued me for years, because it was so clear. The Holy Spirit didn’t leave me but our relationship became strained after that, drifting apart like two lovers that have an unspeakable disagreement between them. I do not think He was angry but more disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself. I have not felt that close to Him since that time.

People often wonder what the Holy Spirit sounds like or how you know that you have heard from Him. I would say that He sounds like your conscience. He is a whisper in your mind about something. A nagging that won’t go away until you make a resolute decision and then it suddenly stops. A good example would be tonight, I wanted to watch TV but I felt the Holy Spirit directing me to do my Bible Study.  Honestly, I just wanted to sit and not think hard on anything. Most of my days and nights are spent studying homework or listening or watching out for our children. Tonight, I am tired. It would be nice to not think about anything but God had some things to share with me and I am so glad that I listened because several experiences are extremely clear to me as to why they were allowed to happen.

{13} But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. {14} He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.  John 16:13-14 NIV

Thank you God for sending Your Holy Spirit to guide us. Please open our hearts and our minds to You and Your guidance. Allow us to be open to listening for the Holy Spirit. Help us to refocus our priorities on You. Help us to clear out the clutter and focus on You. Speak to us in a real way that is undeniable. Amen.

Day Nine: VBS changed MY life

Day Nine

VBS changed MY life

Yes, you read that right, VBS changed my life! Not in the traditional, accepted Christ for the first time sense but in a way that has defined my interactions with my family and my days in general since then.

I have no idea why in the world I volunteered for this year’s Vacation Bible School. I saw the theme was “Sky” and I am a pilot so I filled out a card then didn’t hear anything for 2 months. Just when I thought I was in the clear, a lone email popped up inviting me to an informational meeting. I went to the meeting hoping to be a scene painter or something nominal when I found out I was in charge of making sure 30+ kids made it from place to place for 4 hours, daily, for the entire week. Now, I have two small children at home. I generally do not volunteer to do anything extra with children for any reason, mainly because I drop exhausted into bed every night. I love my children but they have so much more energy than I do. I am tired. I do not want to add to that exhaustion by not only taking care of 30 other children but also having to be energetic and up beat for 4 hours. Dread.

Dread was what I felt everyday leading up to this event that I had gotten myself into. The first day I decided my children and I would walk to the chapel. It was a nice to be out early with the children, walking. We were late but then that was only because parents drop their kids off at 8 AM for an event that begins at 9 AM. “VBS is not just free child care”, I thought to myself. I smiled and tried to be energetic for the children throughout the morning. I went home wishing I could call in sick.

Something odd began happening by the end of the second or third day. I began to take note of the children and care for them. I actually looked forward to coming the next day. The people I volunteered with were nice but it wasn’t that, it was the children. One boys parents were getting divorced and he was an emotional wreck. Another boy was withdrawn to the point of non-participation because his father was deployed. One girl shared about her brother that is in a wheel chair. I cared about these children. I wanted so much to know their real stories. By the end of the week, I was sad for the children to go. I wanted to be a part of their lives. It was nice to know that if only for a moment, I had been a positive spot in their day. I know that because I watched as children who wouldn’t participate the first day, were singing and smiling the last day.

I say that VBS changed my life because from that week on, I have tried to use my time at home with my children wisely. We take more walks. I watch a lot less TV. I listen more. I am trying to get our lives on a schedule that includes fun and responsibility. VBS helped me to see that just like I cared what happened to those complete strangers, God cares what happens to us even more. He cares what happens to our children that we are entrusted with. It is up to us to offer them the best part of ourselves, every day.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. – Ephesians 5:1-2

Father God, help me to be a good example of You and Your Love to my children. Help me to daily be to be patient, kind, loving and a haven of protection for these beautiful children you have entrusted me with. Thank Father for Your trust with these precious souls. In Jesus Name. Amen

Day Eight: Living on Base

Day Eight

Living on Base

In nearly 10 years, we have never lived on base. We have tried to keep our personal and private lives separate. Our last base was in the mountains about 30 minutes from anything. If you wanted milk, you had to either pay three times the going rate in town at the little convience store or drive 30 minutes to the small town grocery store.  This time, we decided we wanted to try living on post since my husband only has a few more years in the military. After all, it is Hawaii and our home is almost on the beach. 

Today, a sad thing happened just down the street from our house. A little girl around 3 years old was almost abducted, ON OUR BASE. Thank God she is okay. I cannot imagine if my daughter was playing outside and then all of a sudden, she was gone. Snatched away from me in an instant by someone with sinister motives. This is not the first such instance this year in military housing communities on our island but it is the first that I have heard of on our base. After that, I held my 4 year old a little closer and hugged my almost 2 year old son a little longer.

Safety was another reason for living on base. I felt safer knowing that some random person was less likely to come along and do bad things on base.  As this story illustrates, we are unable to keep out all the bad by simply living in a secured area. Life is the same. Often times we surround ourselves with a “safety zone” of people, events and places that we are willing to operate in and around. I think God wants us to feel safe but to remember that we need to remind ourselves that stepping out of that comfort zone is necessary as well.

“Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”  - Ephesians 6:11-13

Heavenly Father – Thank you for equipping me to withstand evil. Thank you for being my Protector and watching over me and the ones I love. Help me to share this blessing of peace with my family, friends and all those You would have me to meet.

Day Seven: Cancer

Day Seven           

Cancer

A woman from my Bible study has been a silent witness to me from the moment I heard her story and met her. Although I am not certain of all the details, the abbreviated version is as follows.

Her young daughter has cancer. She has been in treatment for it. During this time, they have been in temporary housing awaiting a house, for months. Each time they have gone to look at the house they have been offered, someone is either moving in or snags it ahead of them. In addition, there have been national shortages on life saving drugs for children with cancer.

I am sure that there is so much more to her story but that alone is more than my mind can conceive. Every time I have seen her she has a smile on her face and is cordial. I have not ever heard her complain or say anything negative. This woman is my hero. On top of that, I went to a Vacation Bible School planning meeting for volunteers. I was astounded when this woman and her entire family came in and sat down to volunteer. Are you kidding me? Are they going for an award? Why are they doing all these things? How can they possibly be so happy throughout this horrible moment in their lives? It is Christ that is the only answer.

A peace that passes all understanding.

⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philipians 4:7

Thank you God for reminding me that my trials are small in comparison to You. Help me to keep my eyes on You and be thankful for the real blessings that surround me. Make me a beacon of hope for others.

Day Six: Walk the Walk

Day Six

Walk the walk

I reluctantly joined the Bible Study on base when we got here. I felt like I had grown up in the church and there was little that I could learn from the PWOC ladies at the chapel on base. In fact the title of their first study almost kept me from going. It was about “Walking the Walk”. Growing up in church, I had done at least one study a year on this topic. How many Bible studies can you do on one topic?  I talked about it with my husband and he encouraged me to go, if only to get out of the house. The first day I felt weird. I stood there unconsciously judging each person I saw. There was the over zealous new Christian, the stall wart of the Bible Study group, the perfect Christian and on and on down the list I went, thinking I knew each of these women. Boy was I wrong! It took me a few times but I finally began to see how I was way off. These women were genuine. I was warmly greeted each time. I went from not sharing at all to feeling compelled to share. The first few times I went to give myself time with other adults. Now, I cannot wait for our break period to end so that I can get back into this group of women.

I was heart broken at the last meeting when I realized that most of the women PCSing were the women I had grown so fond of and learned from the most. They were my rock and I didn’t even know it. It’s funny how things like that happen. One moment you are aloof and judgmental the next you are crying because you feel like you are losing the only kindness you have known at your new station. They were the women that I looked up to. I admired. I strived to be like. I know we are to strive to be like Christ but when you have Godly examples in front of you, it does make it easier to “walk the walk”.

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light!" – Ephesians 5:8 (NLT)

Thank you God for meeting the needs I do not even realize I have. Thank you for men and women that love you and live it. Help me to be an example to everyone I meet.

Day Five: Direction and Late Nights

Day Five

Direction and Late nights

Tonight is one of those late nights. I am exhausted and sick (literally). I want more than anything to go to bed but I NEED this time alone without the children. At first, I was going to try to make it through the deployment by myself, no help with the children. I thought, I will finish school at nights after the children are in bed. Ha! Most nights I am drained. I really just want to lounge and do nothing or drop straight into bed. The idea of waking up and doing it all over again tomorrow can be daunting. I do try to give myself time alone at night when my body permits.

One of the best things I have done for myself so far is to hire a sitter that comes twice a week for 3 hours. I use that time for my homework or errands. The other day, I used that time to sit in the car, alone for an hour. I just thought about things and organized the clutter in my brain. It is the best money we are spending right now. I would rather pay for the sitter than eat at this point. The first week my husband left, I was a wreck, not for a lack of trusting God but because I was overwhelmed with the idea of taking care of two small children 24/7. It can be a wonderful blessing and a tremendously scary prospect all at once. You do have to trust God but there is a point where you have to get up and move. If it’s the wrong move, He will close the door. A perfect example of this is a part time job that I was considering just last week. It seemed to be the perfect job for me. I had experience and it would give me the right contacts I needed for the future. I had a nagging feeling about it. The interview went great but I just kept thinking about the job and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn’t ready to be away from our children yet. This position would have taken me all over our area 3-4 days a week. It was too much for our family. God revealed that to me over time. I was one of the top two contenders for the job. I politely declined the final interview. I am happy that I did. I know God has something else in store for me.

“In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:6(NKJ)

Thank you God for directing my path. Help me to listen to the Holy Spirit’s direction. Take control of my life and my family so that I may be a participant in this amazing opportunity you have given me.

Day Four: The First Days

Day Four

The First Days

The first week or so is always one of the most difficult times. I have a flood of emotions going on. In the weeks leading up to the actual good bye, there is often a building tension. By the time the good bye comes, I already wish he was gone so that he could hurry up and get back. Our routines have to keep changing, the house is in shambles as he gets packed and looks for everything that he needs, the children are weapy, I am crabby. He is crabby. It is just a mess. We try to maintain order and happiness amidst the chaos that is a long good bye but it is difficult.

The final day comes and goes and now the children are sad and I am sad. The house reminds me of him, a towel on the towel rack, shoes next to the door, razor in the cup. Our room still smells like his morning routine. It is difficult. It is sad. I am sad. I miss him already and we have 6 long months ahead. I used to allow myself about a week to be sad and drag a little, even during the 2 month stints of training. The children are the same. We all just miss him. We are sad together. We talk to him on the phone and try to sound cheerful and up beat but really I just want to crawl into bed as I used to do, pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep. Anyone with small children, even sad small children, knows that if you get to sleep past 6 AM, it is a gift!

This time I kept us busy from the beginning. It has worked. The momentum of those first few days has been snow balling into a whirlwind of activity and happiness. We miss Clif so much but this time, I have us so busy that we all drop happily exhausted into bed most nights. I get my night time visitors a little more frequently but I am happier to have them. They won’t be this small for very long and I want to cherish every snuggle and hug I can while they still want to hug me.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Thank you God for the work you have laid out before me. Help me to be strong during this time. Give me strength and wisdom to complete each task and make it through each day triumphantly.

Day Three: Standing in the Gap

Day Three

Standing in the Gap

This is our sixth deployment together. We have been just friends, dating, engaged, married without children, pregnant and now we have 2 small children during deployments. Each deployment seems to highlight one of the major stages in our life together. Each time I have learned ways to cope with various aspects of the deployment. This time I am learning about how to help small children through the deployment.

It is difficult to watch my almost 2 and 4 year old go through this. Daddy has been away for many training exercises before but never for more than an 8 week period. We have the daddy doll, the Skype accounts and open conversations about Daddy. We take “Daddy” (the doll) to school, to the store in a seat with his seat belt on, to the beach, etc. It is a good way for the children to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

The other day one of the most difficult tasks that I have done has been to “be Daddy” for our 4 year old daughter. We were at the park, on the swings. She looked up at me and said, “Momma, can we pretend like you are Daddy for a little while?” My first response was to be hurt that she didn’t want ME there. But then I understood and said, “Sure, I’ll be Daddy for you.” I called her “Princess” like he does and tried to push the swing like him. When we left the park, I thought it would end but she wanted to keep up the game. “Can we go to McDonald’s Daddy?” My husband is a sucker for our little girl and usually caters to her if it isn’t anything too crazy. “Sure Pumpkin.” I said in my best Daddy voice. We drove through and I was just about to give her some milk when she said, “Can I get my toy, Daddy?” I told her no, she had to wait until after her meal. She said, “Um, you aren’t Momma right now. Daddy always gives me my toy first.” I smiled, gave her the toy and laughed a little to myself. The game continued on into the evening. That night Audrey looked up and said, “Thanks Momma. I just needed Daddy for a little while today but I love you just as much.” I gave her a big squeeze and was glad that I could fulfill that need for both her and my husband.

Sometimes deployments aren’t about us. Sometimes giving of ourselves is the best medicine for our heart sick ache. I’m so glad I listened to her need and was able to stand in that gap she had. I was blessed to be able to be the one that got to fulfill her need.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2

Thank you God for opening my eyes to pain of someone else. Thank you for using me to meet their need. Thank you for the blessing to my own soul that was filled in that. 

Day Two: Keeping Busy

Day Two

Keeping Busy

If you have talked to just about any military spouse with deployment experience they will tell you that the key to making it through any deployment is to “keep busy”. Our first few deployments I did not understand this concept fully. I always had a full time job but spent the rest of my time thinking about and pining for my then husband to be. Keeping busy isn’t just about your body; a busy mind is equally important.

During my husband’s first deployment to Iraq, I had a friend that had a young daughter, worked full time and was finishing up her own school while her husband to be was in Iraq.  She was constantly busy. She had a daily routine that kept her so busy there was barely time for friends. I remember thinking she was crazy to take on so much while he was gone. This was during 2003 when coverage of Iraq was 24 hours a day, hour by hour there were new reports of our men and women in combat. We were entering into a highly visible war in a way that the world had not seen before.

I had my own routine. I woke up every morning turned on the TV waiting for a report from Chip Reid from MSNBC. My day did not really begin until I heard that report. Chip Reid was embedded with my future husbands’ unit and the only way I could function was to know they were ok. After that report I could get ready for work. If there was no report, I would tape (before TIVO and DVRs) the entire time while I was gone to be played back when I returned home. I would fit surfing in my day if I had heard the report. If not, I would go back and play the tapes until I found the report. Looking back on that it seems obsessive but during a war with a huge unknown element going in, it was my way of coping. Every day was the same. In the evenings I would write him a letter, say a prayer and go to bed to start all over again the next day. There were no phone calls for the first 3 months, very few letters during that entire deployment and email wasn’t an option. It was over a month before I received the first letter from him. It was a very scary time.

I made it through with a routine, a lot of prayer, tears and letters.  In reflection, it would have been easier had I kept my mind equally as busy in another direction as was my body. It would not have meant I loved my future husband any less, just that I was trusting God more and keeping myself sane in the process.

Proverbs 31

Thank you God for helping me to stay busy and focused on the things that need to be accomplished while my loved one is away. I trust You. I know that You have a plan and a direction for our lives. I will seek out that plan and do my part today.

DEPLOYED! Day One

Day One

Trust God

I woke up at 4AM this morning. I didn’t remember the phone ringing so I turned it over to see if I had missed a call. It was dead. Years ago when my husband was in Iraq this would have sent me into hysteria. This time, he was in Japan and the thought of a missed call made me wistful but not upset. I calmly took the forward off my phone and went downstairs to place the phone back on the hook. I noticed the charger was not on either so I plugged it back in and trusted that it would charge during the day. Going back to bed seemed like the only logical thing to do after a long week of volunteer work and two small children to care for during the day.

Back in bed, I lay there thinking about the day, hugging my 4 year old, now snuggled next to me in bed. I smiled and thought about my husband. I was about to dose off when the cell phone next to me rang. It was him! Our conversation was great, he sounded relaxed and genuinely cheerful. I was so relieved after the last few weeks of difficult times at work. The day seemed to be at least giving him a chance to breathe. I enjoyed sharing about the children and things going on here. I had missed that communication with him the last few weeks. We had been so focused on issues at work that we had spent almost every conversation talking about him. It was nice for us to both take a minute and step outside of the military and work and focus on our family and the joys that God had given us. At the end, I asked him if I had missed a call earlier, he said that he had not had a chance to call until just then. I smiled. The night before I had prayed that he wouldn’t call in the middle of the night because I was so exhausted and really needed rest, God had heard my prayer and still given me what I needed both in rest and in conversation. I felt a little guilty when I said that prayer but I knew I wouldn’t be much of a conversationalist without any rest either. God knew what I needed and he provided for both of us! I got rest and a happy husband. My husband had a refreshed wife, not to mention one that was already awake and praying for him.

After nearly 10 years of marriage, 2 children, 6 deployments and countless moves, I have found that especially in deployments, God knows our needs and he provides for them. It is often difficult to remember that in the midst of a difficulty but God always provides what we need. It isn’t always what we want or think we need but trusting God is the best plan for a happy marriage, easier deployment and fulfilled life.

Trust God with all your heart. Lean not on your own ways. He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5

Thank you God for knowing my needs before I do. Thank you for providing for my families’ and my every need. Help me to look for You and to You in every situation. Thank you for waking me up this morning. It is another beautiful day.