Day 12: Lonely!

Day 12

Lonely!

In the hours following the birth of my daughter all I remember is the sheer joy and elation at such a beautiful little creature. She was perfect. I was in love with my new baby girl.

In the hours following the birth of my son, all I remember is the tears and grief. He was born with immature lungs and struggled to breath from the moment he was born. My husband and I stared helplessly while the nurses tried various treatments to help him. Ultimately he had to stay in the NICU for several weeks while we waited for his lungs to develop.

It was my husband’s hug and consolation that got me through those first few hours. It was also my husband’s enjoyment and thrill that made the first moments of my daughters life even more enjoyable.

It is difficult when he is away sometimes. Even after 9 years of marriage and 6 deployments, it is difficult. Sometimes I tell myself that I can make it, this is no big deal. After all, we have done this 6 times. The truth is I miss my man today. I miss the man who held me when I cried for our son. I miss the man who held our daughter so triumphantly. I miss the man that I sleep next to, run next to, cook for and ultimately love with my whole heart. The man I have chosen to share my life with.  I miss him today.

Even worse, it will be at least a week before I can tell him this. He is on a field exercise somewhere and I am completely unable to communicate with him in any way. This last week I was only able to talk to him once for 30 minutes. Just about the time I get warmed up to tell him everything, it is time to go.

The way I miss my husband, is the way God misses us when we are far away from Him. He wants us to be encouraged. He wants to hold us when we are sad. It is up to us to make sure that each day, we are in contact with Him. We are to seek Him out and be with Him daily.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

God, thank You for Your love, Your compassion, Your encouragement. Help me to put You in first place in my heart. Help me to make you the king of my day. Please watch over my husband while he is deployed. Help me to be the kind of wife You would have to be for him, even when we are so far apart.

Day 11: Faith & Trust

Day Eleven

Faith & Trust

I applied for a highly competitive job with a well known agency several months ago. It is not that I am eager to leave the home. I love being with our children. It’s just that the military is down sizing and our future is uncertain. In addition, this position is a once in a life time kind of job.

I have gone through a variety of emotions and thoughts over the last few months. One that seems to keep creeping in is the feeling of incompetence on my part. I am qualified on the most basic level for this position. There are others who are even more qualified than I am. Their applications are most likely dotted with a variety of qualifications that include combat time and physics or high level math degrees, none of which do I have. In fact, everyone that I have talked to has said to me that this job  would be perfect for me and I would be perfect for it. I agree, which is why I applied. That however has not stopped that nagging little voice in the back of my mind from telling me that I am so much less qualified than all the other candidates. I have to remind myself that my God is bigger than all that. It is not about qualifications with Him. It is about a person’s heart and where they fit into His plan for this huge world we live in.

I am trusting God on this. I do really want the job. If I don’t get it, I will be a little disappointed. At the same time, I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. I just have to keep moving forward in the way that I believe God to be leading me and He will show me the way.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” – Jeremiah 22:11 (KJV)

God, thank You for directing my path. Help me to continue listening to You and seeking out Your will for my life. Amen.

Day Ten: The Holy Spirit - our Guide

Day Ten 

Disclaimer: I would like to say that I am not in any way a pastor or a saint. The Holy Spirit comes to those who seek Him. I am a sinner and daily I am doing or saying things that just aren't Godly but my heart is sincere and I believe that is why God has allowed me to have some of the experiences that I have - that and so that I can share with you a modern view of what God is doing in this simple girl's heart daily. If I am worthy of God's love and attention then so are you! If you haven't experienced this kind of relationship, I urge you to ask for it. Seek Him out. He will honor a pure heart with good intentions.

The Holy Spirit – our Guide

The Holy Spirit has long been my guide. What I mean by that is that I can often times feel His guidance on certain issues. There have been times when I clearly understood the message but chose to ignore what His direction was for whatever reason. Sometimes I wasn’t convinced that it was Him. Other times it just wasn’t convenient or comfortable.  One such time was when I was on a mission team to Eastern Europe. I was especially close with the Holy Spirit at the time and felt a strong urge not to go to a team meeting of the girls one night. I didn’t listen for whatever reason and that night changed the vibe of our group. I could feel the girls take sides with each other that night. The rest of the summer, there was a divide between people because of things that were said that night. I have often wondered why the Holy Spirit warned me about that that night, when He knew I would not listen.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that God allows some things to happen in our lives, even though He knows we will disobey at the time, so that we can see Him more clearly later. My failure to listen that night has plagued me for years, because it was so clear. The Holy Spirit didn’t leave me but our relationship became strained after that, drifting apart like two lovers that have an unspeakable disagreement between them. I do not think He was angry but more disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself. I have not felt that close to Him since that time.

People often wonder what the Holy Spirit sounds like or how you know that you have heard from Him. I would say that He sounds like your conscience. He is a whisper in your mind about something. A nagging that won’t go away until you make a resolute decision and then it suddenly stops. A good example would be tonight, I wanted to watch TV but I felt the Holy Spirit directing me to do my Bible Study.  Honestly, I just wanted to sit and not think hard on anything. Most of my days and nights are spent studying homework or listening or watching out for our children. Tonight, I am tired. It would be nice to not think about anything but God had some things to share with me and I am so glad that I listened because several experiences are extremely clear to me as to why they were allowed to happen.

{13} But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. {14} He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.  John 16:13-14 NIV

Thank you God for sending Your Holy Spirit to guide us. Please open our hearts and our minds to You and Your guidance. Allow us to be open to listening for the Holy Spirit. Help us to refocus our priorities on You. Help us to clear out the clutter and focus on You. Speak to us in a real way that is undeniable. Amen.

Day Nine: VBS changed MY life

Day Nine

VBS changed MY life

Yes, you read that right, VBS changed my life! Not in the traditional, accepted Christ for the first time sense but in a way that has defined my interactions with my family and my days in general since then.

I have no idea why in the world I volunteered for this year’s Vacation Bible School. I saw the theme was “Sky” and I am a pilot so I filled out a card then didn’t hear anything for 2 months. Just when I thought I was in the clear, a lone email popped up inviting me to an informational meeting. I went to the meeting hoping to be a scene painter or something nominal when I found out I was in charge of making sure 30+ kids made it from place to place for 4 hours, daily, for the entire week. Now, I have two small children at home. I generally do not volunteer to do anything extra with children for any reason, mainly because I drop exhausted into bed every night. I love my children but they have so much more energy than I do. I am tired. I do not want to add to that exhaustion by not only taking care of 30 other children but also having to be energetic and up beat for 4 hours. Dread.

Dread was what I felt everyday leading up to this event that I had gotten myself into. The first day I decided my children and I would walk to the chapel. It was a nice to be out early with the children, walking. We were late but then that was only because parents drop their kids off at 8 AM for an event that begins at 9 AM. “VBS is not just free child care”, I thought to myself. I smiled and tried to be energetic for the children throughout the morning. I went home wishing I could call in sick.

Something odd began happening by the end of the second or third day. I began to take note of the children and care for them. I actually looked forward to coming the next day. The people I volunteered with were nice but it wasn’t that, it was the children. One boys parents were getting divorced and he was an emotional wreck. Another boy was withdrawn to the point of non-participation because his father was deployed. One girl shared about her brother that is in a wheel chair. I cared about these children. I wanted so much to know their real stories. By the end of the week, I was sad for the children to go. I wanted to be a part of their lives. It was nice to know that if only for a moment, I had been a positive spot in their day. I know that because I watched as children who wouldn’t participate the first day, were singing and smiling the last day.

I say that VBS changed my life because from that week on, I have tried to use my time at home with my children wisely. We take more walks. I watch a lot less TV. I listen more. I am trying to get our lives on a schedule that includes fun and responsibility. VBS helped me to see that just like I cared what happened to those complete strangers, God cares what happens to us even more. He cares what happens to our children that we are entrusted with. It is up to us to offer them the best part of ourselves, every day.

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. – Ephesians 5:1-2

Father God, help me to be a good example of You and Your Love to my children. Help me to daily be to be patient, kind, loving and a haven of protection for these beautiful children you have entrusted me with. Thank Father for Your trust with these precious souls. In Jesus Name. Amen

Day Eight: Living on Base

Day Eight

Living on Base

In nearly 10 years, we have never lived on base. We have tried to keep our personal and private lives separate. Our last base was in the mountains about 30 minutes from anything. If you wanted milk, you had to either pay three times the going rate in town at the little convience store or drive 30 minutes to the small town grocery store.  This time, we decided we wanted to try living on post since my husband only has a few more years in the military. After all, it is Hawaii and our home is almost on the beach. 

Today, a sad thing happened just down the street from our house. A little girl around 3 years old was almost abducted, ON OUR BASE. Thank God she is okay. I cannot imagine if my daughter was playing outside and then all of a sudden, she was gone. Snatched away from me in an instant by someone with sinister motives. This is not the first such instance this year in military housing communities on our island but it is the first that I have heard of on our base. After that, I held my 4 year old a little closer and hugged my almost 2 year old son a little longer.

Safety was another reason for living on base. I felt safer knowing that some random person was less likely to come along and do bad things on base.  As this story illustrates, we are unable to keep out all the bad by simply living in a secured area. Life is the same. Often times we surround ourselves with a “safety zone” of people, events and places that we are willing to operate in and around. I think God wants us to feel safe but to remember that we need to remind ourselves that stepping out of that comfort zone is necessary as well.

“Put on the full armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, that you may be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.”  - Ephesians 6:11-13

Heavenly Father – Thank you for equipping me to withstand evil. Thank you for being my Protector and watching over me and the ones I love. Help me to share this blessing of peace with my family, friends and all those You would have me to meet.

Day Seven: Cancer

Day Seven           

Cancer

A woman from my Bible study has been a silent witness to me from the moment I heard her story and met her. Although I am not certain of all the details, the abbreviated version is as follows.

Her young daughter has cancer. She has been in treatment for it. During this time, they have been in temporary housing awaiting a house, for months. Each time they have gone to look at the house they have been offered, someone is either moving in or snags it ahead of them. In addition, there have been national shortages on life saving drugs for children with cancer.

I am sure that there is so much more to her story but that alone is more than my mind can conceive. Every time I have seen her she has a smile on her face and is cordial. I have not ever heard her complain or say anything negative. This woman is my hero. On top of that, I went to a Vacation Bible School planning meeting for volunteers. I was astounded when this woman and her entire family came in and sat down to volunteer. Are you kidding me? Are they going for an award? Why are they doing all these things? How can they possibly be so happy throughout this horrible moment in their lives? It is Christ that is the only answer.

A peace that passes all understanding.

⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philipians 4:7

Thank you God for reminding me that my trials are small in comparison to You. Help me to keep my eyes on You and be thankful for the real blessings that surround me. Make me a beacon of hope for others.