Day Six: Walk the Walk

Day Six

Walk the walk

I reluctantly joined the Bible Study on base when we got here. I felt like I had grown up in the church and there was little that I could learn from the PWOC ladies at the chapel on base. In fact the title of their first study almost kept me from going. It was about “Walking the Walk”. Growing up in church, I had done at least one study a year on this topic. How many Bible studies can you do on one topic?  I talked about it with my husband and he encouraged me to go, if only to get out of the house. The first day I felt weird. I stood there unconsciously judging each person I saw. There was the over zealous new Christian, the stall wart of the Bible Study group, the perfect Christian and on and on down the list I went, thinking I knew each of these women. Boy was I wrong! It took me a few times but I finally began to see how I was way off. These women were genuine. I was warmly greeted each time. I went from not sharing at all to feeling compelled to share. The first few times I went to give myself time with other adults. Now, I cannot wait for our break period to end so that I can get back into this group of women.

I was heart broken at the last meeting when I realized that most of the women PCSing were the women I had grown so fond of and learned from the most. They were my rock and I didn’t even know it. It’s funny how things like that happen. One moment you are aloof and judgmental the next you are crying because you feel like you are losing the only kindness you have known at your new station. They were the women that I looked up to. I admired. I strived to be like. I know we are to strive to be like Christ but when you have Godly examples in front of you, it does make it easier to “walk the walk”.

"For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light!" – Ephesians 5:8 (NLT)

Thank you God for meeting the needs I do not even realize I have. Thank you for men and women that love you and live it. Help me to be an example to everyone I meet.

Day Five: Direction and Late Nights

Day Five

Direction and Late nights

Tonight is one of those late nights. I am exhausted and sick (literally). I want more than anything to go to bed but I NEED this time alone without the children. At first, I was going to try to make it through the deployment by myself, no help with the children. I thought, I will finish school at nights after the children are in bed. Ha! Most nights I am drained. I really just want to lounge and do nothing or drop straight into bed. The idea of waking up and doing it all over again tomorrow can be daunting. I do try to give myself time alone at night when my body permits.

One of the best things I have done for myself so far is to hire a sitter that comes twice a week for 3 hours. I use that time for my homework or errands. The other day, I used that time to sit in the car, alone for an hour. I just thought about things and organized the clutter in my brain. It is the best money we are spending right now. I would rather pay for the sitter than eat at this point. The first week my husband left, I was a wreck, not for a lack of trusting God but because I was overwhelmed with the idea of taking care of two small children 24/7. It can be a wonderful blessing and a tremendously scary prospect all at once. You do have to trust God but there is a point where you have to get up and move. If it’s the wrong move, He will close the door. A perfect example of this is a part time job that I was considering just last week. It seemed to be the perfect job for me. I had experience and it would give me the right contacts I needed for the future. I had a nagging feeling about it. The interview went great but I just kept thinking about the job and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn’t ready to be away from our children yet. This position would have taken me all over our area 3-4 days a week. It was too much for our family. God revealed that to me over time. I was one of the top two contenders for the job. I politely declined the final interview. I am happy that I did. I know God has something else in store for me.

“In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:6(NKJ)

Thank you God for directing my path. Help me to listen to the Holy Spirit’s direction. Take control of my life and my family so that I may be a participant in this amazing opportunity you have given me.

Day Four: The First Days

Day Four

The First Days

The first week or so is always one of the most difficult times. I have a flood of emotions going on. In the weeks leading up to the actual good bye, there is often a building tension. By the time the good bye comes, I already wish he was gone so that he could hurry up and get back. Our routines have to keep changing, the house is in shambles as he gets packed and looks for everything that he needs, the children are weapy, I am crabby. He is crabby. It is just a mess. We try to maintain order and happiness amidst the chaos that is a long good bye but it is difficult.

The final day comes and goes and now the children are sad and I am sad. The house reminds me of him, a towel on the towel rack, shoes next to the door, razor in the cup. Our room still smells like his morning routine. It is difficult. It is sad. I am sad. I miss him already and we have 6 long months ahead. I used to allow myself about a week to be sad and drag a little, even during the 2 month stints of training. The children are the same. We all just miss him. We are sad together. We talk to him on the phone and try to sound cheerful and up beat but really I just want to crawl into bed as I used to do, pull the sheets over my head and go back to sleep. Anyone with small children, even sad small children, knows that if you get to sleep past 6 AM, it is a gift!

This time I kept us busy from the beginning. It has worked. The momentum of those first few days has been snow balling into a whirlwind of activity and happiness. We miss Clif so much but this time, I have us so busy that we all drop happily exhausted into bed most nights. I get my night time visitors a little more frequently but I am happier to have them. They won’t be this small for very long and I want to cherish every snuggle and hug I can while they still want to hug me.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28

Thank you God for the work you have laid out before me. Help me to be strong during this time. Give me strength and wisdom to complete each task and make it through each day triumphantly.

Day Three: Standing in the Gap

Day Three

Standing in the Gap

This is our sixth deployment together. We have been just friends, dating, engaged, married without children, pregnant and now we have 2 small children during deployments. Each deployment seems to highlight one of the major stages in our life together. Each time I have learned ways to cope with various aspects of the deployment. This time I am learning about how to help small children through the deployment.

It is difficult to watch my almost 2 and 4 year old go through this. Daddy has been away for many training exercises before but never for more than an 8 week period. We have the daddy doll, the Skype accounts and open conversations about Daddy. We take “Daddy” (the doll) to school, to the store in a seat with his seat belt on, to the beach, etc. It is a good way for the children to feel somewhat in control of the situation.

The other day one of the most difficult tasks that I have done has been to “be Daddy” for our 4 year old daughter. We were at the park, on the swings. She looked up at me and said, “Momma, can we pretend like you are Daddy for a little while?” My first response was to be hurt that she didn’t want ME there. But then I understood and said, “Sure, I’ll be Daddy for you.” I called her “Princess” like he does and tried to push the swing like him. When we left the park, I thought it would end but she wanted to keep up the game. “Can we go to McDonald’s Daddy?” My husband is a sucker for our little girl and usually caters to her if it isn’t anything too crazy. “Sure Pumpkin.” I said in my best Daddy voice. We drove through and I was just about to give her some milk when she said, “Can I get my toy, Daddy?” I told her no, she had to wait until after her meal. She said, “Um, you aren’t Momma right now. Daddy always gives me my toy first.” I smiled, gave her the toy and laughed a little to myself. The game continued on into the evening. That night Audrey looked up and said, “Thanks Momma. I just needed Daddy for a little while today but I love you just as much.” I gave her a big squeeze and was glad that I could fulfill that need for both her and my husband.

Sometimes deployments aren’t about us. Sometimes giving of ourselves is the best medicine for our heart sick ache. I’m so glad I listened to her need and was able to stand in that gap she had. I was blessed to be able to be the one that got to fulfill her need.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galations 6:2

Thank you God for opening my eyes to pain of someone else. Thank you for using me to meet their need. Thank you for the blessing to my own soul that was filled in that. 

Day Two: Keeping Busy

Day Two

Keeping Busy

If you have talked to just about any military spouse with deployment experience they will tell you that the key to making it through any deployment is to “keep busy”. Our first few deployments I did not understand this concept fully. I always had a full time job but spent the rest of my time thinking about and pining for my then husband to be. Keeping busy isn’t just about your body; a busy mind is equally important.

During my husband’s first deployment to Iraq, I had a friend that had a young daughter, worked full time and was finishing up her own school while her husband to be was in Iraq.  She was constantly busy. She had a daily routine that kept her so busy there was barely time for friends. I remember thinking she was crazy to take on so much while he was gone. This was during 2003 when coverage of Iraq was 24 hours a day, hour by hour there were new reports of our men and women in combat. We were entering into a highly visible war in a way that the world had not seen before.

I had my own routine. I woke up every morning turned on the TV waiting for a report from Chip Reid from MSNBC. My day did not really begin until I heard that report. Chip Reid was embedded with my future husbands’ unit and the only way I could function was to know they were ok. After that report I could get ready for work. If there was no report, I would tape (before TIVO and DVRs) the entire time while I was gone to be played back when I returned home. I would fit surfing in my day if I had heard the report. If not, I would go back and play the tapes until I found the report. Looking back on that it seems obsessive but during a war with a huge unknown element going in, it was my way of coping. Every day was the same. In the evenings I would write him a letter, say a prayer and go to bed to start all over again the next day. There were no phone calls for the first 3 months, very few letters during that entire deployment and email wasn’t an option. It was over a month before I received the first letter from him. It was a very scary time.

I made it through with a routine, a lot of prayer, tears and letters.  In reflection, it would have been easier had I kept my mind equally as busy in another direction as was my body. It would not have meant I loved my future husband any less, just that I was trusting God more and keeping myself sane in the process.

Proverbs 31

Thank you God for helping me to stay busy and focused on the things that need to be accomplished while my loved one is away. I trust You. I know that You have a plan and a direction for our lives. I will seek out that plan and do my part today.

DEPLOYED! Day One

Day One

Trust God

I woke up at 4AM this morning. I didn’t remember the phone ringing so I turned it over to see if I had missed a call. It was dead. Years ago when my husband was in Iraq this would have sent me into hysteria. This time, he was in Japan and the thought of a missed call made me wistful but not upset. I calmly took the forward off my phone and went downstairs to place the phone back on the hook. I noticed the charger was not on either so I plugged it back in and trusted that it would charge during the day. Going back to bed seemed like the only logical thing to do after a long week of volunteer work and two small children to care for during the day.

Back in bed, I lay there thinking about the day, hugging my 4 year old, now snuggled next to me in bed. I smiled and thought about my husband. I was about to dose off when the cell phone next to me rang. It was him! Our conversation was great, he sounded relaxed and genuinely cheerful. I was so relieved after the last few weeks of difficult times at work. The day seemed to be at least giving him a chance to breathe. I enjoyed sharing about the children and things going on here. I had missed that communication with him the last few weeks. We had been so focused on issues at work that we had spent almost every conversation talking about him. It was nice for us to both take a minute and step outside of the military and work and focus on our family and the joys that God had given us. At the end, I asked him if I had missed a call earlier, he said that he had not had a chance to call until just then. I smiled. The night before I had prayed that he wouldn’t call in the middle of the night because I was so exhausted and really needed rest, God had heard my prayer and still given me what I needed both in rest and in conversation. I felt a little guilty when I said that prayer but I knew I wouldn’t be much of a conversationalist without any rest either. God knew what I needed and he provided for both of us! I got rest and a happy husband. My husband had a refreshed wife, not to mention one that was already awake and praying for him.

After nearly 10 years of marriage, 2 children, 6 deployments and countless moves, I have found that especially in deployments, God knows our needs and he provides for them. It is often difficult to remember that in the midst of a difficulty but God always provides what we need. It isn’t always what we want or think we need but trusting God is the best plan for a happy marriage, easier deployment and fulfilled life.

Trust God with all your heart. Lean not on your own ways. He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:5

Thank you God for knowing my needs before I do. Thank you for providing for my families’ and my every need. Help me to look for You and to You in every situation. Thank you for waking me up this morning. It is another beautiful day.