The Transition

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path. Proverbs 3:6

Retirement, a quick and wonderful retirement! We had a plan. God had a different plan. This is not how things were supposed to work out. We were supposed to have one more move, buy a house there, get jobs in our chosen retirement area before my husband got out so that the transition would be minimal for everyone. Insead, we had to do an overseas move back to our home of choice, while searching for jobs and a place to rent until we found said jobs. Ugh. MESSY!

Trusting God is the only option here. We are not where we had planned to be at the end of my husband’s military career but we are where God has led us. He made the way for it to work out quickly and seamlessly. We listened and went in faith to the area that He has directed. We are acting on faith instead of our carefully mapped out plan. I’m sure we will look back and see His hand on everything but sometimes blind faith is not easy.

Faith. It can be tough, unless you know that the God you serve is greater than everything. Faith. It doesn’t require much just trusting a centuries old Creator of the Universe. That may sound like a lot to some but when you have read the Book and know how it all began and how it all ends … you realize that it really isn’t that much after all. So, we wait.

Day 15: Gifts

Day 15: Gifts

Last night, our son had a near 104 degree temperature. I was up most of the night with him. I was constantly trying to cool him off and lower his temperature. There was very little rest. I have so much house work and home work that needs to be done. I am working on this book. The children keep me busy doing things for them. Often times at night, I feel guilty though. For all these things I am doing every day, I am spending little time really being with my children. I am here in the physical sense but they don’t get mom all day to play with or talk to.

God continues to remind me how important the children are. I know they are only small like this for a short time. I don’t want to miss it by being so busy doing things, even things for them, that I forget to enjoy them. They are so funny and energetic. I love to watch them but getting caught up in other things is not uncommon.

Other people and our relationships with them really are gifts from God. Remember Adam in the garden of Eden? What was the big gift that God gave him besides life? Companions! Adam first found companionship in the animals and next in a Eve. Loneliness, is therefore natural. We have been given a gift in all our relationships. I have to ask myself, “How am I treating these precious gifts from God?”

“They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be a blessing.” Psalm 37:26

God, thank you for the gifts You have given me. Help me to notice them and cherish each one. Help me to view myself and the people around me just as important as the items on my to do list.

Day 14: Doing it Alone

Day14: Doing it Alone

Fourteen years ago, I shared a room and a bed with another girl for the summer. It was tough at times but we were doing missions work in the Republic of Georgia so it was the only option (there was only 1 bed). It has been nearly a decade since I last spoke to Jan. We have kept up with each other through today’s social media. Rarely does she post updates but today, God reminded me through her that even though I am a Marine Corps wife, I must still trust God.

Today, Jan’s post read, “I have always had a war going on in my head against this thought of having to do everything on my own ... But God specifically reminded me today that I am not alone ... He has already gone before me and is always with me.”

Many times when my husband is gone, I have to do things on my own. This deployment is especially challenging now that we have children. Before, handling things on my own, was all the same old things I had always done as an adult. Now I handle things not only for me but for our entire family. It is a huge responsibility and the first time I ever felt concern for myself at home when Clif was leaving. Usually my concern has been for his safety and after he leaves just sadness for missing him. This time, I thought, “I am going to be here all alone. I am going to have to take care of our children by myself. Can I do it? Will I lose it?”

At the beginning of the deployment, I volunteered for VBS. Vacation Bible Schools theme this year was, “Trust God.” My 4 year old now goes around singing, “It doesn’t matter who you are, you can trust God”, all the time. I am seeing a theme that God continues to throw out there for this deployment. “Trust me.”

“In that day they will say, “Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”
Isaiah 25:8-10

Heavenly Father, Help me to find the faith I need to trust You. Soemtimes I just want to grab the reins and do things my way. Looking back though, Your way is always so much better.

Group Publishing for the song (Sky theme)

Day 13: 9-11

Day 13

9-11

During 9-11 I was a Flight Attendant for United Airlines. I was based out of Newark where flight 93 came from. That day, I was off. I was however going to Manhatten to volunteer and get my French visa. Both were items that needed to be taken care of in lower Manhatten near the World Trade Center.

My plan was to take the subway from Hoboken to the World Trade Center early in the morning so that I would have extra time in the city after I had taken care of both things. Late the night before, I kept waking up with leg cramps. I was tired when the alarm went off so I went back to sleep and decided to go over a little later in the morning. My phone began to ring an hour or so later. I looked at it. It was my grandmother, then my mother. I decided to call them back because it was unusual for them to call so early and for both to call like that. My mom was frantic asking where I was. I told her I had been asleep but now… She cut me off and told me a prop plane had just hit the world trade center. I sat up straight. What? I assured her I was ok. I grabbed my camera (for a magazine I was freelancing for), woke up my roommate and ran out the door.

We could see the WTC from Bayonne where my crash pad was. I was running down the street to try to catch the train when I heard that the first tower had fallen. I watched in horror from the train as the second tower fell. I heard a scream. It wasn’t until later that I realized it had been me. In an instant a huge building with thousands of people inside was gone. It wasn’t like the version you see on TV, that one is in slow motion compared to what we saw from the train. One moment it was there, the next it wasn’t. Thousands of people dead, the NYC skyline forever changed in a moment.

The days following were not simply sadness but grief for friends and coworkers lost. Our pay was held up because of anthrax scares and we were almost immediately furloughed (laid off). My grief was compounded in that I wasn’t living the way I should’ve as a Christian. I had terrible guilt in the bad example I had been to so many people.

For years there was something that nagged at me about that incident. I couldn’t quit place it. In the back of my mind, I was angry with God for allowing that to happen. Why couldn’t it have been before I was a bad example? How could he allow that to happen, to me, to all the innocents? Then one day God just opened my eyes. I should be thankful for that adversity. It made me who I am. It saved me from my own destructive self. It brought my husband and I together and put me on the path I am on today. In addition, God had saved me from certain death in either the subway or the WTC. I would have been in either one of those places when this happened had it not been for His protection.

“ ‘For I know what I have planned for you.’, says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.” – Jeremiah 29:11

God, thank you for Your protection and Your guidance. Please help me and my family to be the people of God you have called us to be. Help us to be open to your guidance.

Day 12: Lonely!

Day 12

Lonely!

In the hours following the birth of my daughter all I remember is the sheer joy and elation at such a beautiful little creature. She was perfect. I was in love with my new baby girl.

In the hours following the birth of my son, all I remember is the tears and grief. He was born with immature lungs and struggled to breath from the moment he was born. My husband and I stared helplessly while the nurses tried various treatments to help him. Ultimately he had to stay in the NICU for several weeks while we waited for his lungs to develop.

It was my husband’s hug and consolation that got me through those first few hours. It was also my husband’s enjoyment and thrill that made the first moments of my daughters life even more enjoyable.

It is difficult when he is away sometimes. Even after 9 years of marriage and 6 deployments, it is difficult. Sometimes I tell myself that I can make it, this is no big deal. After all, we have done this 6 times. The truth is I miss my man today. I miss the man who held me when I cried for our son. I miss the man who held our daughter so triumphantly. I miss the man that I sleep next to, run next to, cook for and ultimately love with my whole heart. The man I have chosen to share my life with.  I miss him today.

Even worse, it will be at least a week before I can tell him this. He is on a field exercise somewhere and I am completely unable to communicate with him in any way. This last week I was only able to talk to him once for 30 minutes. Just about the time I get warmed up to tell him everything, it is time to go.

The way I miss my husband, is the way God misses us when we are far away from Him. He wants us to be encouraged. He wants to hold us when we are sad. It is up to us to make sure that each day, we are in contact with Him. We are to seek Him out and be with Him daily.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

God, thank You for Your love, Your compassion, Your encouragement. Help me to put You in first place in my heart. Help me to make you the king of my day. Please watch over my husband while he is deployed. Help me to be the kind of wife You would have to be for him, even when we are so far apart.

Day 11: Faith & Trust

Day Eleven

Faith & Trust

I applied for a highly competitive job with a well known agency several months ago. It is not that I am eager to leave the home. I love being with our children. It’s just that the military is down sizing and our future is uncertain. In addition, this position is a once in a life time kind of job.

I have gone through a variety of emotions and thoughts over the last few months. One that seems to keep creeping in is the feeling of incompetence on my part. I am qualified on the most basic level for this position. There are others who are even more qualified than I am. Their applications are most likely dotted with a variety of qualifications that include combat time and physics or high level math degrees, none of which do I have. In fact, everyone that I have talked to has said to me that this job  would be perfect for me and I would be perfect for it. I agree, which is why I applied. That however has not stopped that nagging little voice in the back of my mind from telling me that I am so much less qualified than all the other candidates. I have to remind myself that my God is bigger than all that. It is not about qualifications with Him. It is about a person’s heart and where they fit into His plan for this huge world we live in.

I am trusting God on this. I do really want the job. If I don’t get it, I will be a little disappointed. At the same time, I know that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. I just have to keep moving forward in the way that I believe God to be leading me and He will show me the way.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” – Jeremiah 22:11 (KJV)

God, thank You for directing my path. Help me to continue listening to You and seeking out Your will for my life. Amen.

Day Ten: The Holy Spirit - our Guide

Day Ten 

Disclaimer: I would like to say that I am not in any way a pastor or a saint. The Holy Spirit comes to those who seek Him. I am a sinner and daily I am doing or saying things that just aren't Godly but my heart is sincere and I believe that is why God has allowed me to have some of the experiences that I have - that and so that I can share with you a modern view of what God is doing in this simple girl's heart daily. If I am worthy of God's love and attention then so are you! If you haven't experienced this kind of relationship, I urge you to ask for it. Seek Him out. He will honor a pure heart with good intentions.

The Holy Spirit – our Guide

The Holy Spirit has long been my guide. What I mean by that is that I can often times feel His guidance on certain issues. There have been times when I clearly understood the message but chose to ignore what His direction was for whatever reason. Sometimes I wasn’t convinced that it was Him. Other times it just wasn’t convenient or comfortable.  One such time was when I was on a mission team to Eastern Europe. I was especially close with the Holy Spirit at the time and felt a strong urge not to go to a team meeting of the girls one night. I didn’t listen for whatever reason and that night changed the vibe of our group. I could feel the girls take sides with each other that night. The rest of the summer, there was a divide between people because of things that were said that night. I have often wondered why the Holy Spirit warned me about that that night, when He knew I would not listen.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized that God allows some things to happen in our lives, even though He knows we will disobey at the time, so that we can see Him more clearly later. My failure to listen that night has plagued me for years, because it was so clear. The Holy Spirit didn’t leave me but our relationship became strained after that, drifting apart like two lovers that have an unspeakable disagreement between them. I do not think He was angry but more disappointed.  I was disappointed in myself. I have not felt that close to Him since that time.

People often wonder what the Holy Spirit sounds like or how you know that you have heard from Him. I would say that He sounds like your conscience. He is a whisper in your mind about something. A nagging that won’t go away until you make a resolute decision and then it suddenly stops. A good example would be tonight, I wanted to watch TV but I felt the Holy Spirit directing me to do my Bible Study.  Honestly, I just wanted to sit and not think hard on anything. Most of my days and nights are spent studying homework or listening or watching out for our children. Tonight, I am tired. It would be nice to not think about anything but God had some things to share with me and I am so glad that I listened because several experiences are extremely clear to me as to why they were allowed to happen.

{13} But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. {14} He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you.  John 16:13-14 NIV

Thank you God for sending Your Holy Spirit to guide us. Please open our hearts and our minds to You and Your guidance. Allow us to be open to listening for the Holy Spirit. Help us to refocus our priorities on You. Help us to clear out the clutter and focus on You. Speak to us in a real way that is undeniable. Amen.